I feel good. I am on the mend after of a year of chemicals being poured throughout my body. I am on the mend. My sense of humor is coming back. I am no longer sleeping for hours upon hours. I can digest fresh fruit and vegetables. I am on the mend!
While on the mend I am scared and intimidated by stories. People die of breast cancer every day. It creeps into their system unknown to the body owner. Guess that's why it's called cancer. It is sneaky and wicked in its ways. Elizabeth Edwards losing the fight. I know she has great doctors and insurance - yet she is losing the battle.
A cure must be found.
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Monday, December 6, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
One Step Closer
Today brings me one step closer to the finish line. Excitement(YEAH!) and apprehension(What if something goes wrong?) have invaded my mind as I approach the finish line. I imagine my fear is fairly common among those of us that have walked in these shoes.
I continue to be asked about my prognosis. After I had surgery and one microscopic cancer cell was discovered in my lymph nodes a course of action was presented to me.
1. A highly toxic dose of chemicals that make your hair fall out, beat up your immune system and make you feel like crap would be administered four times in three week intervals.
2. A continuation of one chemical for a full year (that's the Herceptin that has a high risk of destroying the heart and causing heart damage through heart attacks).
3. Thirty-three days of burning radiation.
4. Hormone therapy for five years. (Before insurance coverage each pill is $10.00.)
Each action reduces the chance of re-occurrence by a fairly small percentage. If I recall correctly, the percentage reduced by radiation was about 7%. All these steps combined reduce my chance of re-occurrence to about 25%.
Is there a magical blood test that they can give me to see if breast cancer cells are floating through my body? Darn...not yet! Why bother with mammograms if that were the case?
Am I cured? In my mind, you bet! In the medical profession? No, I am in remission. I am not cured until I have been cancer free for five years.
Each one of you that has shared your prayers with me, held my hand, shouldered a tear, cheered me on from the depths of despair, sent those cards to make me laugh, and rallied for this finish I thank you. My words are so little for your actions that have been so BIG. You truly have made PINK TOUGH.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
I continue to be asked about my prognosis. After I had surgery and one microscopic cancer cell was discovered in my lymph nodes a course of action was presented to me.
1. A highly toxic dose of chemicals that make your hair fall out, beat up your immune system and make you feel like crap would be administered four times in three week intervals.
2. A continuation of one chemical for a full year (that's the Herceptin that has a high risk of destroying the heart and causing heart damage through heart attacks).
3. Thirty-three days of burning radiation.
4. Hormone therapy for five years. (Before insurance coverage each pill is $10.00.)
Each action reduces the chance of re-occurrence by a fairly small percentage. If I recall correctly, the percentage reduced by radiation was about 7%. All these steps combined reduce my chance of re-occurrence to about 25%.
Is there a magical blood test that they can give me to see if breast cancer cells are floating through my body? Darn...not yet! Why bother with mammograms if that were the case?
Am I cured? In my mind, you bet! In the medical profession? No, I am in remission. I am not cured until I have been cancer free for five years.
Each one of you that has shared your prayers with me, held my hand, shouldered a tear, cheered me on from the depths of despair, sent those cards to make me laugh, and rallied for this finish I thank you. My words are so little for your actions that have been so BIG. You truly have made PINK TOUGH.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Countdown
Today brought another does of Herceptin and a visit to my oncologist. Her first words after "Hello," were "You look great!" I responded with, "Of course I do. All the weight I've gained has made my wrinkles disappear!" I had questions for her. Has my treatment had any impact on my low functioning thyroid? (None) When will my last Herceptin infusion be? (May) Should I start taking baby aspirin to prevent a reoccurence of breast cancer as reported by the American Medical Association? According to her, baby aspirin helps prevent colon, prostate, breast, and many other cancers. When I asked her if she takes it, she was quite taken aback and said, "Of course not. I don't take any pills." Hmmmm...isn't that interesting!
I've learned a lot of things I'd really rather not have learned through this journey. First, I've learned medical jargon. Would I have ever thought that the words port, Herceptin, and infusion therapy would become regular words in my vocabulary? Unfortunately I've also learned how the chemist mixes my Herceptin when I show up (it is considered a toxic material). Between the jargon and chemistry of it all I've found that the chemo nurses are overworked and grouchy after three day weekends. There are twice as many people there making up for the missed day. None of us want our treatment slowed down by holidays!
What things should I have known before unvoluntarily signing on for this journey? Imagine my surprise learning that at my age I was not invincible! We go to doctors for preventative medicine and to hear the words, "Everything's fine". Next learning...take nothing for granted. There are people I knew would care and people I knew who wouldn't care. I thought the medical community would guide and support me in this journey. What else have I learned? Be the person who cares most about you. You are your advocate. So many little things. What is the greatest learning I have discovered so far? I have more strength in me than I ever imagined. I am the sum of my parts. My mother, my husband, my family, my colleagues. You have given me the power. The countdown is on.............
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
I've learned a lot of things I'd really rather not have learned through this journey. First, I've learned medical jargon. Would I have ever thought that the words port, Herceptin, and infusion therapy would become regular words in my vocabulary? Unfortunately I've also learned how the chemist mixes my Herceptin when I show up (it is considered a toxic material). Between the jargon and chemistry of it all I've found that the chemo nurses are overworked and grouchy after three day weekends. There are twice as many people there making up for the missed day. None of us want our treatment slowed down by holidays!
What things should I have known before unvoluntarily signing on for this journey? Imagine my surprise learning that at my age I was not invincible! We go to doctors for preventative medicine and to hear the words, "Everything's fine". Next learning...take nothing for granted. There are people I knew would care and people I knew who wouldn't care. I thought the medical community would guide and support me in this journey. What else have I learned? Be the person who cares most about you. You are your advocate. So many little things. What is the greatest learning I have discovered so far? I have more strength in me than I ever imagined. I am the sum of my parts. My mother, my husband, my family, my colleagues. You have given me the power. The countdown is on.............
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"F" Words
Did you know that breast cancer isn't limited to breasts? Did you know that there are different types of breast cancer? Even while being treated for breast cancer you can get another form of breast cancer?
Through out my treatment I have made pink tough and have expected great things. On Monday, February first I was derailed. What should I discover that morning? The lump. I had Paul check "the lump". Confirmation was made. E-mailed my general physician who got me in that day. Confirmation of "the lump," and a referral for a mammogram transpired. A week after my lump was discovered I had a mammogram and ultrasound. A full week of letting FEAR terrorize my every moment. My "toughness" disintegrated.
Results were vague. They couldn't locate anything "bad" on the mammogram. "The lump" is really more arm pit than breast. The ultrasound showed a "fatty" lymph node, but they were having trouble seeing behind scar tissue. Today I met with the oncologist. She felt good about the mammogram and ultrasound pictures. Some pushing, poking, groping and she smiled. "FAT," she said.
Today FAT is a joyous word to be celebrated.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Through out my treatment I have made pink tough and have expected great things. On Monday, February first I was derailed. What should I discover that morning? The lump. I had Paul check "the lump". Confirmation was made. E-mailed my general physician who got me in that day. Confirmation of "the lump," and a referral for a mammogram transpired. A week after my lump was discovered I had a mammogram and ultrasound. A full week of letting FEAR terrorize my every moment. My "toughness" disintegrated.
Results were vague. They couldn't locate anything "bad" on the mammogram. "The lump" is really more arm pit than breast. The ultrasound showed a "fatty" lymph node, but they were having trouble seeing behind scar tissue. Today I met with the oncologist. She felt good about the mammogram and ultrasound pictures. Some pushing, poking, groping and she smiled. "FAT," she said.
Today FAT is a joyous word to be celebrated.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A Fallen Comrade
With my wig, fighting spirit, and sense of humor I have been able to "disguise" my illness. When we went to Hawaii I did not wear my wig. Outside of my small world how would people react to such short hair? I had a few comments, "Love the short hair". Based on this, I made the decision to stop wearing my wig. I was fearful of the reactions I might receive. One person who told me I didn't appear sick in September has totally avoided me. My not wearing the wig is a visual reminder to those who know me that I am still fighting. The most poignant reaction was from one of my more difficult students. She took one look at me Monday morning and said, "Mrs. Marston, you are beauuutiful." The sincerity behind these words astonished me.
It follows no rules. Here today, gone tomorrow, back again? No one knows. I do wish people would stop asking about my chance at life. This disease doesn't care if you are young or old, have young children or grown children, fight or not fight. It doesn't fight fairly and claimed another life - unfairly yesterday. She was a young mother, and she fought with everything she had. I did not know this woman. But we were comrades in the same war, fighting the same battle.
One small battle won, one huge battle lost...an unending war.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
It follows no rules. Here today, gone tomorrow, back again? No one knows. I do wish people would stop asking about my chance at life. This disease doesn't care if you are young or old, have young children or grown children, fight or not fight. It doesn't fight fairly and claimed another life - unfairly yesterday. She was a young mother, and she fought with everything she had. I did not know this woman. But we were comrades in the same war, fighting the same battle.
One small battle won, one huge battle lost...an unending war.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, December 3, 2009
My Best Friend
Life is good. The love of my life is my best friend. When I am not so well he cares for me. He has taken over a lot of the cooking through my umpteenth cold.) Actually, even when I'm well...my friend cares for me!
I will start taking this new hormone drug when my cold subsides. An attached list of side effects is a bit daunting. Weighing the risks. Which would you prefer? Another bout of breast cancer or a stroke? I tried to explain to the oncologist that I don't want to go through this program again. I still worry about the damaged heart with the herceptin. The list of potential side effects for any medication is daunting. So I'm going to Las Vegas in my mind(Wheel of Fortune). I'm gambling that this hormone will keep me cancer free, and I will not have a stroke.
Life is good. My friend is my living guardian angel. My friends, family, and coworkers continue to check in on my well being and that caring keeps "Pink Tough."
Do you think about how loved you are? Probably not. But start. Each of us is so important to so many and I believe we forget that in the haste of living.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
I will start taking this new hormone drug when my cold subsides. An attached list of side effects is a bit daunting. Weighing the risks. Which would you prefer? Another bout of breast cancer or a stroke? I tried to explain to the oncologist that I don't want to go through this program again. I still worry about the damaged heart with the herceptin. The list of potential side effects for any medication is daunting. So I'm going to Las Vegas in my mind(Wheel of Fortune). I'm gambling that this hormone will keep me cancer free, and I will not have a stroke.
Life is good. My friend is my living guardian angel. My friends, family, and coworkers continue to check in on my well being and that caring keeps "Pink Tough."
Do you think about how loved you are? Probably not. But start. Each of us is so important to so many and I believe we forget that in the haste of living.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Giving Thanks
My heart is good. The herceptin drip can continue to eliminate any stray cancer cells. YEAH! I can have my port removed next June after my herceptin treatments are finished. YEAH! This means I can start wearing 45 pound backpacks to start training for the "big" climb in summer of 2011. Hip, Hip, Hooray!
On a more humorous note, when I said I had experienced rage and wanted to hurl my shoe against the wall, she chalked it up to "menopause." She said my exhaustion is probably a side effect of radiation. She suggested I wait until I feel better before taking the hormone pill I am to take for the next five years. More humor... a side effect of this pill is hot flashes. I might as well carry around an air conditioner.
Happy Thanksgiving! As I wade through this disease I give thanks every day for so many things. Some things I took for granted, but not too many. I know how lucky I am to be surrounded by such incredible people (I LOVE YOU), a job that pays more than $7.50 an hour, a roof over my head, and health insurance (as ridiculously expensive as it is). Sometimes we focus on what we don't have, and fail to appreciate what we do have.
We have so much to give thanks for every day.
There are no guarantees. We give thanks for what we have TODAY.
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things.
On a more humorous note, when I said I had experienced rage and wanted to hurl my shoe against the wall, she chalked it up to "menopause." She said my exhaustion is probably a side effect of radiation. She suggested I wait until I feel better before taking the hormone pill I am to take for the next five years. More humor... a side effect of this pill is hot flashes. I might as well carry around an air conditioner.
Happy Thanksgiving! As I wade through this disease I give thanks every day for so many things. Some things I took for granted, but not too many. I know how lucky I am to be surrounded by such incredible people (I LOVE YOU), a job that pays more than $7.50 an hour, a roof over my head, and health insurance (as ridiculously expensive as it is). Sometimes we focus on what we don't have, and fail to appreciate what we do have.
We have so much to give thanks for every day.
There are no guarantees. We give thanks for what we have TODAY.
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The "New " Study
How am I you ask? I won't know about my MUGA (heart) scan until Tuesday when I meet with the oncologist and have another dose of chemo. Three weeks goes awfully fast when you're not looking forward to something. I put up a good front, but I am tired and often feel ill. There are days when I wake up and feel great, like a "normal" human. Days that I use to take for granted. I mowed the front and back lawn last week. First time since the fall of 2008. It was a joyous event for me! Silly me...I was sure once I'd finished the worst of the chemo and radiation I'd be back to my ol' self. There are days I wish I didn't need to work, but I also know sitting home doing nothing won't make me feel any better. Might make me feel worse. Yikes!
Women don't need mammograms until they're fifty. All that radiation and fear may cause more damage. False positives make women endure things that they might not have had to. I am not fifty. My mammogram showed a spidery mass. The nurse didn't even wait till the biopsy was done to tell me I had breast cancer. She knew by the shape. There is not a history of breast cancer in my family. My last mammogram was billed at $863.00. Would I have payed out that amount if insurance didn't pay? I doubt it. It would never have occurred to me that I was at risk. This "team's" reasoning for waiting until fifty was that it saves only one life out of 1,904 women. That would be my life!
How am I you ask? I whine. I miss my hair and less porky body. I miss waking up and feeling good more days than not. I am glad I had a mammogram. I am angry about the "team's" recommendation and can only hope that insurance companies won't change covering mammograms before a woman is fifty.
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Women don't need mammograms until they're fifty. All that radiation and fear may cause more damage. False positives make women endure things that they might not have had to. I am not fifty. My mammogram showed a spidery mass. The nurse didn't even wait till the biopsy was done to tell me I had breast cancer. She knew by the shape. There is not a history of breast cancer in my family. My last mammogram was billed at $863.00. Would I have payed out that amount if insurance didn't pay? I doubt it. It would never have occurred to me that I was at risk. This "team's" reasoning for waiting until fifty was that it saves only one life out of 1,904 women. That would be my life!
How am I you ask? I whine. I miss my hair and less porky body. I miss waking up and feeling good more days than not. I am glad I had a mammogram. I am angry about the "team's" recommendation and can only hope that insurance companies won't change covering mammograms before a woman is fifty.
Keep Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The $1,000,000 Plan
I continue to be amazed by the medical community. My mother's doctor said it is "sick," and she worries about catastrophic illness.
Syndicated Columnist Nicholas Kristof states that U.S ranks 31st in life expectancy. 37th in infant mortality. Americans take 10% fewer drugs than citizens in other countries but pay 118% more per pill that they do take. We say we're the best, but we are behind Europe. Citizens in other countries get longer hospital stays and more medication than Americans do, because our insurance companies evict people from hospitals as soon as they stagger of bed.
I e-mailed my doctor and asked about getting my MUGA scan scheduled for the end of the month. "Could I please schedule it on the same day I see you and have chemo so I only have to take one day off of work?" All of a sudden it became imperative for them that I have it ASAP. What would have happened if I hadn't e-mailed? My chemo would be canceled until I could have it. Group Health confirmed that there are no appointment slots open in Tacoma until mid December. So I am now scheduled in Bellevue for this Monday.
Group Health has medical records on line. I'm actually getting freaked out about my $1,000,000 life time limit. The port put in was $10,000, the breast surgery $10,000, each big chemo $6,500, radiation $30,000...and so on. All the costs for physicals and colds, etc. that I've had for the last ten years are adding up.Once in awhile I check my record online for costs. My "little" chemos have ranged from $2,450 to $2,700. I wrote and asked, "Why the difference? They are the same chemical and same amount." They were quite quick to respond. "Our error. They should all be $2,700, but we'll be nice and keep our error at that cost and not change it on your billing."
My question is, if we become to ill to look after ourselves and be our own advocate, who will? Will the government plan stop covering people when they've used a $1,000,000? Will it cover pre-existing conditions? Will the new government health plan cure the system? Will it cure me? Will it cure you? Your loved ones?
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Syndicated Columnist Nicholas Kristof states that U.S ranks 31st in life expectancy. 37th in infant mortality. Americans take 10% fewer drugs than citizens in other countries but pay 118% more per pill that they do take. We say we're the best, but we are behind Europe. Citizens in other countries get longer hospital stays and more medication than Americans do, because our insurance companies evict people from hospitals as soon as they stagger of bed.
I e-mailed my doctor and asked about getting my MUGA scan scheduled for the end of the month. "Could I please schedule it on the same day I see you and have chemo so I only have to take one day off of work?" All of a sudden it became imperative for them that I have it ASAP. What would have happened if I hadn't e-mailed? My chemo would be canceled until I could have it. Group Health confirmed that there are no appointment slots open in Tacoma until mid December. So I am now scheduled in Bellevue for this Monday.
Group Health has medical records on line. I'm actually getting freaked out about my $1,000,000 life time limit. The port put in was $10,000, the breast surgery $10,000, each big chemo $6,500, radiation $30,000...and so on. All the costs for physicals and colds, etc. that I've had for the last ten years are adding up.Once in awhile I check my record online for costs. My "little" chemos have ranged from $2,450 to $2,700. I wrote and asked, "Why the difference? They are the same chemical and same amount." They were quite quick to respond. "Our error. They should all be $2,700, but we'll be nice and keep our error at that cost and not change it on your billing."
My question is, if we become to ill to look after ourselves and be our own advocate, who will? Will the government plan stop covering people when they've used a $1,000,000? Will it cover pre-existing conditions? Will the new government health plan cure the system? Will it cure me? Will it cure you? Your loved ones?
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Herceptin
You're done with radiation. What next? People thought I was done with the "whole program" once I finished radiation. WRONG! I continue to have Herceptin. I have had it with my other chemotherapy since June 2009.
Herceptin
What is it? A drug for breast cancer patients. What does it do? The drug attaches to cancer cells and tells the body's defense mechanism to target and destroy cancer cells. What are side effects? "Herceptin treatment can result in heart problems, including those without symptoms (reduced heart function) and those with symptoms (congestive heart failure). The most common side effects associated with Herceptin are fever, nausea, vomiting, infusion reactions, diarrhea, infections, increased cough, headache, fatigue, shortness of breath, rash, low white and red blood cells, and muscle pain." How often do I have it administered? Every three weeks.
Side effects of this have been minimal compared to the summer chemotherapy, but it comes with risks and does discombobulate me physically and emotionally(fatigue). I have compared the after effects to being hormonal. I cry easily right after a treatment. If someone looks at me kindly or does an act of kindness I cry. A few weeks ago I tripped over a shoe and wanted to hurl it against a wall. I hope no one flips me off when I'm driving. They don't say anything about being emotional in the literature. After losing a step father, sister, and two dogs within a six month period of time I stopped crying.
Is Herceptin alone to blame, or am I starting to feel again?
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Herceptin
What is it? A drug for breast cancer patients. What does it do? The drug attaches to cancer cells and tells the body's defense mechanism to target and destroy cancer cells. What are side effects? "Herceptin treatment can result in heart problems, including those without symptoms (reduced heart function) and those with symptoms (congestive heart failure). The most common side effects associated with Herceptin are fever, nausea, vomiting, infusion reactions, diarrhea, infections, increased cough, headache, fatigue, shortness of breath, rash, low white and red blood cells, and muscle pain." How often do I have it administered? Every three weeks.
Side effects of this have been minimal compared to the summer chemotherapy, but it comes with risks and does discombobulate me physically and emotionally(fatigue). I have compared the after effects to being hormonal. I cry easily right after a treatment. If someone looks at me kindly or does an act of kindness I cry. A few weeks ago I tripped over a shoe and wanted to hurl it against a wall. I hope no one flips me off when I'm driving. They don't say anything about being emotional in the literature. After losing a step father, sister, and two dogs within a six month period of time I stopped crying.
Is Herceptin alone to blame, or am I starting to feel again?
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, October 29, 2009
What's Your Prognosis?
"What's your prognosis?" I am frequently asked this question. I know it is asked with caring, but I haven't an answer.
Let's get serious. In a perfect world I will be healed, in a less perfect world things may go wrong. Do I know? NO! Do the doctors know? NO! Does cancer follow rules? NO!
A scan today may be clean. A scan down the road may not. That is why my significant others and I take one day at a time. It is why I encourage you and your significant others to do the same. Enjoy! None of us know what tomorrow will bring.
Relish, love and live for today.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Let's get serious. In a perfect world I will be healed, in a less perfect world things may go wrong. Do I know? NO! Do the doctors know? NO! Does cancer follow rules? NO!
A scan today may be clean. A scan down the road may not. That is why my significant others and I take one day at a time. It is why I encourage you and your significant others to do the same. Enjoy! None of us know what tomorrow will bring.
Relish, love and live for today.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Light in the Cave
The body heals, and it feels soooo good. There is light in the "cave." I am eating lots of protein to assist my body in replacing damaged cells. Both infections are almost totally healed. We are going on walks after school enjoying fall and not having to zip over to Tacoma to be zapped. We are not up to our four miles, but we're moving.
When I showed up at my last radiation session I had many cards to give to the gal going through lung/brain radiation. I had little notes on the envelopes like "Open after next radiation," all the cards were marked to get her through her last chemotherapy session. I hope she got them and unlike some people I know I hope she didn't open them all in one quick sitting! More than anything I hope they make her smile and keep her strong.
Slowly Paul and I emerge from "our cave". Someone whose brother is going through cancer said she can't seem to get through. Her brother and his wife are in a cave only big enough for two. How well Paul and I understand those words. We needed to lock ourselves away to focus on health, healing, wellness (mental and physical), and recovery. The cancer shock is a two by four that knocks you out for a time. Think of the cartoons of the character with little birds flying above the head. We are slowly emerging from our cave, reaching out to people we didn't have room for in our cave.
We hope they will understand and celebrate our emerging from the cave. While we don't know if future events will force us back into the cave or if we are emerging never to return to the darkness - we are happy to see some light.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
When I showed up at my last radiation session I had many cards to give to the gal going through lung/brain radiation. I had little notes on the envelopes like "Open after next radiation," all the cards were marked to get her through her last chemotherapy session. I hope she got them and unlike some people I know I hope she didn't open them all in one quick sitting! More than anything I hope they make her smile and keep her strong.
Slowly Paul and I emerge from "our cave". Someone whose brother is going through cancer said she can't seem to get through. Her brother and his wife are in a cave only big enough for two. How well Paul and I understand those words. We needed to lock ourselves away to focus on health, healing, wellness (mental and physical), and recovery. The cancer shock is a two by four that knocks you out for a time. Think of the cartoons of the character with little birds flying above the head. We are slowly emerging from our cave, reaching out to people we didn't have room for in our cave.
We hope they will understand and celebrate our emerging from the cave. While we don't know if future events will force us back into the cave or if we are emerging never to return to the darkness - we are happy to see some light.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Marathon
Somewhere I read of someone one else going through the cancer journey. She wanted to sprint through it and a wiser person told her it was a marathon. What wise words those are. I couldn't wait to be done with radiation, but here I am done and not healthy.
I couldn't wait to be done so we could resume our daily walking adventures. I can not breathe deep enough to walk a distance. I cannot carry on a conversation without coughing. A marathon. I so want to be finished with illness.
I want to be healthy, breathe deeply, have energy and have an immune system on full power. But I must focus about what I do have: life, insurance, food, job, spouse that I love and respect, friends, shelter, family . The way I see it is I am so far through this journey. I have finished the worst of chemo therapy. I have finished thirty-three days of burning radiation (the machine actually smoked last night). Yet I have a breast infection and lung infection which are slowing me down. I don't want to be slowed down.
I want to yell and scream and live life to its fullest. I want to climb Mr. Rainier. I want to wake up and feel GOOD.
I want good health.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
I couldn't wait to be done so we could resume our daily walking adventures. I can not breathe deep enough to walk a distance. I cannot carry on a conversation without coughing. A marathon. I so want to be finished with illness.
I want to be healthy, breathe deeply, have energy and have an immune system on full power. But I must focus about what I do have: life, insurance, food, job, spouse that I love and respect, friends, shelter, family . The way I see it is I am so far through this journey. I have finished the worst of chemo therapy. I have finished thirty-three days of burning radiation (the machine actually smoked last night). Yet I have a breast infection and lung infection which are slowing me down. I don't want to be slowed down.
I want to yell and scream and live life to its fullest. I want to climb Mr. Rainier. I want to wake up and feel GOOD.
I want good health.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Five To Go
Less than six months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had 82 grams removed from my breast. The cancer found its way into my lymph nodes. What a journey it has been. It seems like years. Learning how to dance in the storm rather than waiting for it to pass has been a priority. I am still learning how to dance.
Chemo this morning and radiation this evening. We went out for lunch after chemo now that I'm on the shortened, no big side effects chemicals. A nice lunch we had...so nice that dinner was not required this evening! We try to have some fun after each session and generally speaking we are usually quite successful.
Five days left of radiation. Today they started the radiation boost. This targets the area in the breast where the cancerous spots were removed rather than the whole breast. I have joked with a few people at work that if they see something pink on the ground they shouldn't step on it, and call me quickly. It's probably my nipple. Five more days and it might fall off! If all goes according to plan, next Thursday will be my last day. YEAH!!!
I was given some roses from the gal I have tried to support through this ordeal. She told me she had her second "big" chemo today and did okay. Her spirits were up. What a change in her from when we first met! The technician thanked me today. I asked, "For what?" He replied , "For being here for her."
All that strength, support, and cheering from you, enabled me to enable her. She too will learn how to dance in the storm.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Chemo this morning and radiation this evening. We went out for lunch after chemo now that I'm on the shortened, no big side effects chemicals. A nice lunch we had...so nice that dinner was not required this evening! We try to have some fun after each session and generally speaking we are usually quite successful.
Five days left of radiation. Today they started the radiation boost. This targets the area in the breast where the cancerous spots were removed rather than the whole breast. I have joked with a few people at work that if they see something pink on the ground they shouldn't step on it, and call me quickly. It's probably my nipple. Five more days and it might fall off! If all goes according to plan, next Thursday will be my last day. YEAH!!!
I was given some roses from the gal I have tried to support through this ordeal. She told me she had her second "big" chemo today and did okay. Her spirits were up. What a change in her from when we first met! The technician thanked me today. I asked, "For what?" He replied , "For being here for her."
All that strength, support, and cheering from you, enabled me to enable her. She too will learn how to dance in the storm.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Radiation Day 23
This week has been one of the hardest during this "ordeal". I'm not feeling tough this week.
The area under my arm and to the right of my breast is sunburned, my armpit is now peeling with miniature blisters. On a scale of pain from 1 to 10, probably a 3. Not painful...it just hurts. It wears on me. I am trying alternatives to bras as they just make a lousy situation more irritating.
Two people I encountered in the waiting room this week were "knocking on heaven's door". Conversation with the technicians confirmed that for some they just try to make their last days more comfortable.
The gal I have befriended had an infection in her hand from a simple scratch. She missed the last couple of days but was back today. She had shaved her head and was sappy when I asked from the dressing room if she did it in preparation of hair loss or if hair loss had already started. I took off my STRENGTH bracelet and told her to focus on it when she didn't feel strong. She left for her treatment. She came back, changed her clothes and left the area. Back within moments with a pen. "I want your phone number." I wrote it down and told her to call anytime. "Did you hear the two long beeps? They're frying my brain." She sobbed. I hugged her and said, "No, they're frying the cancer cells not your brain. The cancer has to go." She rambled a bit and then left.
Talking with my mom this morning I said Paul has encouraged me to stop reading the obituaries. Yes, people still die from breast cancer. I am tired. I hurt. I haven't wanted to take time from work. I love my job. I cry easily. This morning my mother asked about my sick leave. I still have lots, but I don't want to use it. Something bad might happen I told her.
"Take it! You're being miserly. This is something bad".
Something bad. Know I can beat it, but something bad has invaded my "turf".
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
I will sleep, I will focus on wellness, and I will give thanks for all of you.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
The area under my arm and to the right of my breast is sunburned, my armpit is now peeling with miniature blisters. On a scale of pain from 1 to 10, probably a 3. Not painful...it just hurts. It wears on me. I am trying alternatives to bras as they just make a lousy situation more irritating.
Two people I encountered in the waiting room this week were "knocking on heaven's door". Conversation with the technicians confirmed that for some they just try to make their last days more comfortable.
The gal I have befriended had an infection in her hand from a simple scratch. She missed the last couple of days but was back today. She had shaved her head and was sappy when I asked from the dressing room if she did it in preparation of hair loss or if hair loss had already started. I took off my STRENGTH bracelet and told her to focus on it when she didn't feel strong. She left for her treatment. She came back, changed her clothes and left the area. Back within moments with a pen. "I want your phone number." I wrote it down and told her to call anytime. "Did you hear the two long beeps? They're frying my brain." She sobbed. I hugged her and said, "No, they're frying the cancer cells not your brain. The cancer has to go." She rambled a bit and then left.
Talking with my mom this morning I said Paul has encouraged me to stop reading the obituaries. Yes, people still die from breast cancer. I am tired. I hurt. I haven't wanted to take time from work. I love my job. I cry easily. This morning my mother asked about my sick leave. I still have lots, but I don't want to use it. Something bad might happen I told her.
"Take it! You're being miserly. This is something bad".
Something bad. Know I can beat it, but something bad has invaded my "turf".
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
I will sleep, I will focus on wellness, and I will give thanks for all of you.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, September 24, 2009
When You Wake Up....Life is Good
YEAH ME!!! Monday I will be two-thirds finished with radiation. I have learned that the last five days will target the incision areas. The last two days they have drawn all over my breast with permanent marker so they will know where to have the machine target. I get nervous as every couple days it seems like I have different technicians administering my radiation. Some are precise about my placement under the machine...others don't care. Some are precise about the 9.5 centimeters across my chest...others don't care. Well I'm still alive and am starting to form some heavily sunburned areas so they must be doing something right!
I am getting to know all these people and they are getting to know me. I like that. I am the last patient of the day. I like to think this is a good thing. Done with me...done for the day. They know Paul and Tucker because when they walk out at the end of their day they see Paul and Tucker observing the people exiting the building, and they see Tucker's butt wiggling with joy. (Yes, they beat me out of the building after radiation.) I don't want to be just another breast cancer patient. Remember me for my spirit and good cheer. I want them to CARE! When I said that every day was a good day when you wake up in the morning they kind of stared at me.....HELLLLLOOOOO...life is good when you wake up. They both said they hadn't thought of that.
When you wake up it is a good day. Don't ever forget that!
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
I am getting to know all these people and they are getting to know me. I like that. I am the last patient of the day. I like to think this is a good thing. Done with me...done for the day. They know Paul and Tucker because when they walk out at the end of their day they see Paul and Tucker observing the people exiting the building, and they see Tucker's butt wiggling with joy. (Yes, they beat me out of the building after radiation.) I don't want to be just another breast cancer patient. Remember me for my spirit and good cheer. I want them to CARE! When I said that every day was a good day when you wake up in the morning they kind of stared at me.....HELLLLLOOOOO...life is good when you wake up. They both said they hadn't thought of that.
When you wake up it is a good day. Don't ever forget that!
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Drive Through Service
Today was a chemotherapy day in Tacoma at 11:00. Then back to Tacoma for radiation for my 5:15 appointment. Honestly...these treatments are minimal in side effects compared to the summer's toxic chemicals. One chemical instead of three. Not a cake walk by any means, but nothing like the summer's ordeal.
Generally I am holding up well working. I miss our walking which we really haven't done consistently since I was diagnosed in April. We aren't doing it now because of the radiation schedule, and I am feeling as worn as a favorite pair of jeans by the end of the day. When we get home from radiation that is when I let the "tired" consume me. The last two weekends I have slept in until 7:30. Unheard of in this house. Our weekends (once I get out of bed) have been busy making up for "lost" time in the summer. We've done some short hikes with Tucker and relished in the beauty of the scenery and fragrance of the alpine wilderness.
Yesterday in radiation the woman I spoke of last week was there. I handed her a bag of polished rocks and told her to choose one that felt good in her hand and to carry it with her at all times. I learned that she has lung cancer that has also formed a spot on her brain. They are radiating the lung daily and the brain intermittently. Scary? You bet. She chose a rock and then was called to go in. She took her rock with her. When she came out she said the machine ate her rock. She told the technicians she wasn't leaving without her rock (I am making her stronger already!). They had to move the machine to retrieve it. As she left she put her hand on my shoulder and thanked me. She was going to her first chemo today. Through two short sessions of talking with her, she is beginning to see hope.
You see, we have learned, to the medical community a patient is just another patient. Another patient that needs chemotherapy and radiation. They see it everyday. It is not new to them. It is terrifying, and they seem to have forgotten or have never known that. The literature given to me described severe potential side effects that could occur immediately. I expected someone would call to check on me after my first treatment. No one did. No one talks to you. No details. No sequence of events. No one tells you what to do to minimize effects. Patients need knowledge and a doctor that can take the time to know and speak to patients, in addition to medical treatment. Our medical system has become a very expensive drive through service...a $3.00 Starbucks or a $6,000 chemical martini.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Generally I am holding up well working. I miss our walking which we really haven't done consistently since I was diagnosed in April. We aren't doing it now because of the radiation schedule, and I am feeling as worn as a favorite pair of jeans by the end of the day. When we get home from radiation that is when I let the "tired" consume me. The last two weekends I have slept in until 7:30. Unheard of in this house. Our weekends (once I get out of bed) have been busy making up for "lost" time in the summer. We've done some short hikes with Tucker and relished in the beauty of the scenery and fragrance of the alpine wilderness.
Yesterday in radiation the woman I spoke of last week was there. I handed her a bag of polished rocks and told her to choose one that felt good in her hand and to carry it with her at all times. I learned that she has lung cancer that has also formed a spot on her brain. They are radiating the lung daily and the brain intermittently. Scary? You bet. She chose a rock and then was called to go in. She took her rock with her. When she came out she said the machine ate her rock. She told the technicians she wasn't leaving without her rock (I am making her stronger already!). They had to move the machine to retrieve it. As she left she put her hand on my shoulder and thanked me. She was going to her first chemo today. Through two short sessions of talking with her, she is beginning to see hope.
You see, we have learned, to the medical community a patient is just another patient. Another patient that needs chemotherapy and radiation. They see it everyday. It is not new to them. It is terrifying, and they seem to have forgotten or have never known that. The literature given to me described severe potential side effects that could occur immediately. I expected someone would call to check on me after my first treatment. No one did. No one talks to you. No details. No sequence of events. No one tells you what to do to minimize effects. Patients need knowledge and a doctor that can take the time to know and speak to patients, in addition to medical treatment. Our medical system has become a very expensive drive through service...a $3.00 Starbucks or a $6,000 chemical martini.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Pay It Forward
Tomorrow I will be one third of the way finished with radiation. (YEAH ME) Yes, we will celebrate that by going out to dinner after my session. I am eating vegetables and low calorie foods in an attempt to start shedding my newly gained pounds. My hair is growing...slowly. My eyelashes are thin, as well as my eyebrows. Do I care? Yes, but it is minimal. As Monica has pointed out (thank you) I am me, hair or no hair, fat or thin. I am me!
When I have been at radiation, I have been the only female. I hear the men gabbing in the men's room next door and have been thankful I have no company. Well that has changed in the last two days. Because the machine broke down yesterday the schedule was totally behind...and we're late again but in a different way. A woman who normally gets her treatment at 7:30 a.m. was there. A tad older than myself, she had no issues with chemo therapy, although her new crop of hair was coming in white. She gave me great tips about how to minimize breast burn. Another woman in the room was sobbing. We both let her be. The sobbing woman was there again today. She asked how long I'd been coming. She was three days in, and her total amount of days will be sixteen. When I told her I was in for thirty three she gasped. She was scheduled for chemo therapy but "melted" down and wouldn't have it done. I asked her, "Who do you have supporting you?" She said her boyfriend is an asshole, her daughter has five kids, and her son lives in California.
She has nobody. She looked at me and said, "You are strong."
Why am I strong? You...You...and You....
This is my time to pay it forward.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
When I have been at radiation, I have been the only female. I hear the men gabbing in the men's room next door and have been thankful I have no company. Well that has changed in the last two days. Because the machine broke down yesterday the schedule was totally behind...and we're late again but in a different way. A woman who normally gets her treatment at 7:30 a.m. was there. A tad older than myself, she had no issues with chemo therapy, although her new crop of hair was coming in white. She gave me great tips about how to minimize breast burn. Another woman in the room was sobbing. We both let her be. The sobbing woman was there again today. She asked how long I'd been coming. She was three days in, and her total amount of days will be sixteen. When I told her I was in for thirty three she gasped. She was scheduled for chemo therapy but "melted" down and wouldn't have it done. I asked her, "Who do you have supporting you?" She said her boyfriend is an asshole, her daughter has five kids, and her son lives in California.
She has nobody. She looked at me and said, "You are strong."
Why am I strong? You...You...and You....
This is my time to pay it forward.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Radiation
Another new experience....radiation. I have it Monday through Friday for 33 days. I have finished five days as of today. It takes more time to drive over and back again than the actual act of being radiated. Unfortunately, on many days they are behind schedule so that makes the hour and fifteen minute experience often turn into a two hour experience. It makes for long days, but I am not complaining. They have more patients than ever. Today I asked, "Is it because the medical profession is identifying more cancer or is the human race just more sick than it's ever been?" He laughed and didn't answer. Hmmmm ....
Want to know what it's like? I am horizontal on a steel bed that moves length wise, and up and down, with a special pillow made just for me, in a very dark room. The room is right out of a science fiction movie. A huge machine zooms in above my face. (Yesterday was the first day I kept my eyes open. I'm afraid it is going to smash into my face.) The technicians measure things...move me around (down to a centimeter) and leave the room. Zaaaap! The machine moves to my side, someone comes back in and changes something in the machine. Zaap! Someone comes in again, changes something, and then I get my final Zaaap! I'm done for that session! I started with 33 beads on a chain. After each session I remove a bead. I want a count down to having this "part" finished. Paul always drives, and now that we are back to work we take Tucker with us. Paul walks her while I'm being treated.
First day back to work with kids today. I was very worried about my endurance. I did great! The worst was my feet in medium high heels- they were killing me by lunch time! I truly am trying to "Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things," but the heels are going to have to go!
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Want to know what it's like? I am horizontal on a steel bed that moves length wise, and up and down, with a special pillow made just for me, in a very dark room. The room is right out of a science fiction movie. A huge machine zooms in above my face. (Yesterday was the first day I kept my eyes open. I'm afraid it is going to smash into my face.) The technicians measure things...move me around (down to a centimeter) and leave the room. Zaaaap! The machine moves to my side, someone comes back in and changes something in the machine. Zaap! Someone comes in again, changes something, and then I get my final Zaaap! I'm done for that session! I started with 33 beads on a chain. After each session I remove a bead. I want a count down to having this "part" finished. Paul always drives, and now that we are back to work we take Tucker with us. Paul walks her while I'm being treated.
First day back to work with kids today. I was very worried about my endurance. I did great! The worst was my feet in medium high heels- they were killing me by lunch time! I truly am trying to "Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things," but the heels are going to have to go!
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
What's Important?
Simple things become complex at times. They lost my MUGA scan results on Friday so I had to go back in on Monday. Yes...I'm sure my urine glowed after a double dose of radioactive juice. I couldn't have my next chemo until they had results of MUGA. It was a circle of idiocracy. My heart is less than it was three months ago, but still strong. So another dose was administered. Radiation was a test run today. In confidence to those who read, I am claustrophic. I am fine if I close my eyes and find my happy place (my happy place is our garden...get your mind out of the gutter). Good luck to those around me...I stink! No deodorant for seven weeks.....
My heart beats...my husband's heart beats...my son's heart beats...am thinking of Sonny and Cher "The Beat Goes On". I use to think a clean house was important (no I have not turned into a slob)...but what's really important is that the "beat goes on".
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
My heart beats...my husband's heart beats...my son's heart beats...am thinking of Sonny and Cher "The Beat Goes On". I use to think a clean house was important (no I have not turned into a slob)...but what's really important is that the "beat goes on".
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
