This week has been one of the hardest during this "ordeal". I'm not feeling tough this week.
The area under my arm and to the right of my breast is sunburned, my armpit is now peeling with miniature blisters. On a scale of pain from 1 to 10, probably a 3. Not painful...it just hurts. It wears on me. I am trying alternatives to bras as they just make a lousy situation more irritating.
Two people I encountered in the waiting room this week were "knocking on heaven's door". Conversation with the technicians confirmed that for some they just try to make their last days more comfortable.
The gal I have befriended had an infection in her hand from a simple scratch. She missed the last couple of days but was back today. She had shaved her head and was sappy when I asked from the dressing room if she did it in preparation of hair loss or if hair loss had already started. I took off my STRENGTH bracelet and told her to focus on it when she didn't feel strong. She left for her treatment. She came back, changed her clothes and left the area. Back within moments with a pen. "I want your phone number." I wrote it down and told her to call anytime. "Did you hear the two long beeps? They're frying my brain." She sobbed. I hugged her and said, "No, they're frying the cancer cells not your brain. The cancer has to go." She rambled a bit and then left.
Talking with my mom this morning I said Paul has encouraged me to stop reading the obituaries. Yes, people still die from breast cancer. I am tired. I hurt. I haven't wanted to take time from work. I love my job. I cry easily. This morning my mother asked about my sick leave. I still have lots, but I don't want to use it. Something bad might happen I told her.
"Take it! You're being miserly. This is something bad".
Something bad. Know I can beat it, but something bad has invaded my "turf".
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
I will sleep, I will focus on wellness, and I will give thanks for all of you.
Make Pink Tough and Expect Great Things
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My dear special friend,
ReplyDeleteGuess what? It's ok to not be "tough" all the time. It's ok to cry, I cry for you. It's ok to be tired. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to care for other people and for people to care about you. It's ok to be scared. You can only be brave for a while and then you need to recharge the brave battery. All the appointments, the battle in your heart and mind, that is exhausting all by itself. Cancer is bad, it is scary, it is evil and it's not fair. And sometimes people don't survive. But then you hear about or read about the stories of all the women and men who do survive and those are the stories you focus on. Leah its ok to ask for a hug, to vent, to sleep. You are tough Leah, you just need a break. Every warrior needs rest. You're a human being. You are a woman. We cry. We are here for you. Let your body rest. Let the rain fall on your face, breathe, and snuggle with Tucker. And please call me, I can be right there. I love you Leah.
Dearest Leah,
ReplyDeleteWell your last blog made me cry. I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face. I can't tell you how it hurts me to know how much you are hurting. Monica is absolutely right, it's okay to let your guard down and just recharge. You do need to take more time off, just for you Leah. Take an emotional rest. Part of being strong is knowing when to take a break.
Let me know if you need me to come visit and cheer you up. Just call and I will be there.
You did give me one chuckle from reading your blog.. the part about the obituaries.. I think that has something to do with our genes because Connie and I have been reading them for years. Don't ask me why, as it is somewhat morbid. So quit reading them, we will do that for you!
I love you little one and know you will survive this horrible ordeal. Remember it is a purpose driven life, and part of your purpose will be to reach out to other women, as you have been doing now, and help them during their fight against breast cancer.
I love you and I think of you every morning when I wake up and every evening when I'm going to sleep. Your strength has helped in ways you will never understand.
Love You!!
Betty
Hi brave and amazing Leah,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog with tears in my eyes. You are always brave and strong. Maybe on Thursday, or (even) all week you did not feel so strong. Maybe even now you still don't and that's OK because we need the gray, rainy and stormy days to become aware of sunny days. Riiight?
You are thought about constantly. You are prayed for and prayed with. You are loved and cared about more than you probably are even aware of. It's OK to feel that heavy heavy sadness.. you are going through and see alot of stuff that: (a)would affect most people in the same way and (b) people should not have to experience. Be sad. Be happy.Be scared. Be brave. Be pissed off. Just be. And know you are thought about every single day.
xox,
Jody
P.S. And just so you know, I read the obits too.